HER : No.

JE ns : Baby Are You Jealous ?

HER : No.

JE ns : Baby Are You Jealous ?

HER : I Already Told You No!

JE ns : Baby Can I Get A Kiss ?

HER : GO AND GET A KISS FROM THAT UGLY GIRL THAT LIKED YOUR STATUS ON FACEBOOK..!!

xx

P.S. How Is It Suppose To Be Romantic When Ever Other Monkey Is ‘Forced’ To Surprise & Celebrate Their Love On The Same Fucking Day & Allow Corporations to Capitalise On Our Cheap Sentiments.

Her : Which way are you facing

Me : Eh?

Her : Can you face this way I can’t see you

Me : You can’t see me anyway its pitch black

Her : I know but I like to think of you looking at me

Me : I won’t be looking at you though, I’ll be asleep

Her : Until you fall asleep

Me : Ok

Her : Have you got your eyes closed?

Me : Yes, I’m trying to sleep

Her: For Fucks sake, can’t you just do something nice for once?

This went on for a while and resulted in me leaving for a local pub at about 2am in the morning.

After several miss calls, texts & pints. Emotions got the better of me. I shed a tear.

A kid who sat beside me looked at me & said.

You’re 25 and you did the “boo-hoo-hoo” rubbing eyes routine in the pub? Brilliant

Can I be like you when I grow up?

Psstt.. Couldn’t have had a worst day, I thought to myself.

These are (I hope) the cruellest words he will ever write.

A mate of mine once told me his Mum had had 6 miscarriages; I asked which one he was.

He’s still my best mate but I’ll never forgive myself.

My best friend met a girl on a night out.

The following morning I said ‘Good night. Let’s see if we can get you someone better than that fat pig in future’.

They are now married.

It has never been mentioned again.

Two identical twins went to my school and I told one loudly that she must have been gutted to have such an ugly sister.

Johnny Depp is flaming awesome

My misses wants him.

And if I caught them sleeping together.

I’d ask for his autograph.

Mate [Who’s a first-class prick. He wouldn't even make a good taxi driver ] once asked. If I’m cool with him. For, dating my former girlfriend.

Me : No Problemo.  It’s even safe to kiss her due to her cruel refusal to suck my cock.

P.S. Loves playing with my toy SBS Bus. When ever, I’m piss drunk.  Which has been amended so that it goes to Geylang Lorong 18 via “Rejection Street, Disappointment Avenue, Back-stabbing Central & Shattered Dreams Parkway.” Bus fare cost only a few pints of booze.

Having stared at my calendar in disbelief for the best part of an hour, & checking the calendar several times to make sure it isn’t April 1^st.

^{Yesh.. Its Feb14, Phew..~}

& I’ve been thinking about this thingy for a while, & decided to let the emotion die a bit before writing in..

Of late, Unbalance feelings speak of certain uncertainty..

Right now in my mind you are in questions to only which you hold the answers.

You know sometimes circles run around you. Sometimes walls run into you.

& I’m utterly compelled to indulge in thoughts of you. Thoughts of you always hang above my head. If only you

you could take a walk into head & read past my thoughts you would realize, I’ve been sleeping with the lights on, so if I wake in the night, your picture is clearly in sight.

I long for, my hours to be with you
Minutes of me in you.

If that is anything to go by

I need a sure thing

For I claim you as my only hope

My dear quaint notion, will you be my fairytale ?

I told her : I wouldn’t swap her for Miss World & I fancy her cycle in my organizer

She’s what I’ve been waiting for since I reached puberty..~

Your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours

So let’s meet at the mouth for a kiss
That’s been so long overdue

I’ll carve my heart out for you

I’m sorry about this 3^rd rate card..

If you become my girlfriend [ with no expiry-used-by-date ] I’ll get ya a Fanciful Credit-Card, this time next year on Valentines. [ which I hope it will get ya into a Porn-Star mood, For 3weeks at least ]

JE ns ‘Deep-Eccentric-Cheap-Sentiments’ ThEo r y

Moments later my girlfriend made her usual late night call. I picked up & tried my best to sound sober.

& told her about the old man incident. [ I had to do it before she brings up her school girl topics ]

Her : Ouh~ The old man lives in a card box. That’s why he said, he’s moving out’

Me :Oh well.. If I made you a PALACE, made of Card Boxes. Will you move in with me ?

Her : NO..!!

Me : O’ryte.. Good night, sleep tight, don’t let me bed bugs bite. [ & hung up ]

Next day, I called her up to say that I’m breaking up with her.

- Till this day she’s been looking for that old man who ruined the relationship for her. From what I gather, she wants to burn down his house/card-box -

My mate thinks he’s really good at chess. [ He probably is ] So he keeps challenging me to online games & can’t believe that I keep beating him. [ I'm shit ]

He always moves first so I’m just putting his move into another game against a chess computer then using the computer’s move against him.

I win..!! [ You don’t score points for a ‘moral victory’, do you ? ]

All women have one breast slightly larger than the other. FACT.

All women secretly hate each other.

They also want the opposite of everything they have or get.

They get extremely jealous over the smallest thing.

They are better at lying than men.

When they say “I don’t Mind” they do.

When you ask, What’s wrong?  & they say ‘Nothing’, you are in deep shit.

NO matter what they say, they all think they can change men!

NO matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter what the situation is, you are always wrong.

They throw cups of tea over you when you make them angry! [ Mine did last night anyway, including the cup.]

They all wish they had penises!

[ I admit to suffering from penis envy when I need a pee at a festival, or similar scenario ]

They enjoy giving birth.

[ Hence they spend the rest of their life talking about it. ]

They live longer [ But only because men want some peace & quiet, so they die. ]

They *sigh* when they mean. “You’re a cunt, you’ve ruined my life & I wish you’d just die”

One fact that I have confirmed with a number of female friends. [ They don't get bored of sex - They get bored of sex with YOU. ]

.

Men = Sane, rational, say what they mean for the most part, air their problems openly & forget about them.

Women = Mental. Never say what they mean; never mean what they say. Hold grudges for eternity. Like to make men suffer as much as possible. It’s their revenge for us not having periods & giving birth.

They love a bastard..!!

Her: I don’t know how to say this.

Me: What?

Her: I want to break up.

Me: Why? What have I done?

Her: Nothing, its not you. I’m mad about you, you are the nicest bloke I have ever met, you make me feel so good, I’m so in love with you and I will never meet anyone like you.

Me: So why are you dumping me then?

Her: I don’t know, it’s just not right.

Me: What’s not right? Surely there must be SOMETHING.

Her: I don’t know… there is something missing.

Me: Yeah, part of your brain obviously.

Her: That’s not fair, I do love you. Can we be friends ? I don’t want to lose contact.

Me; No. Goodbye.

Mentalist… About 3 weeks later, she wanted to get back, but I had enough. [ Days before Valentines Day. Calls me to ask about who my Valentines is.. yada yada, cries, yada yada.. She doesn’t wana be with me & doesn’t want me to have another ]

Was around a girls flat with her, her mate & my mate, had been watching movies for a good 3 or 4 hours. [ Oceans 13 & then to American Pie ]

At some part, I was going on about how cool Al Pachino was on Oceans 13, having said ‘ I don’t want the labor pain, I just want the babies’.

Her Mate : What’s an Al Pachino, Is it Indian?

Me : Jesus wept, & head off to the fridge & grabbed another beer. [ & did some explaining that Al Pachino was that bloke with the gel-backed slick hair do, red Ferrari, leather mobile phone case clipped onto his belt... & a floppy cock. ]

Got back to American Pie..

& due to limited seats, the bird I was with was sat on me whilst I was in the arm chair. Anyway after a hour or so, this conversation takes place.

Me : Can you get up a minute?

My mate : why?

Me : I’ve just got pins & needles in my leg, I wana get up & walk it off

Out of the blue, she gets up & storms out the room, her mate follows, mate comes back.

Her mate : Why did you do that?

Me : What?

Her mate: Call her fat?

Me : What the Fuck..!!

So I had to go over to her & do the right thing & say ‘you alright, sorry & that yada yada yada & got a load of abuse.

Christ, I should have known better & have just said I needed to go to the restroom to spare Tubby’s feelings,

ugh~ Insensitive wanker, I’ve been.

This is so Fucking unfair. Coz it seems it’s alright & ‘acceptable’ for a FATTY FAT Bastard to disparage a skinny person with petty jibes. Calling them anorexic bastards & hope that they choke on their own puke, blah blah blah & such. But when a skinny person/man makes a joke pertaining a woman’s weight, they DO NOT get away with it.

It’s never been easy to stomach such situations.

I can recall vividly.. when once.

Before work one morning. I got the whole ‘’Hunxx I’m putting on weight thingy’’. she

knows she’s lost weight & was fishing for a compliment.

Meh~ She didn’t get one.

Alas.. she tried again, later that evening whilst shopping.

[ My dear mates.. If you have been in any relationship long enough with a lass who’s got more credit cards than your baby brother’s collectable Pokemon cards, you so Fucking screwed. Just like her pussy, her visa is accepted everywhere. By now you ought to have learned, never hold on to your lasses hands when shopping. It's like her being tied down by shekels. Which would get her into menstrual mood. & she could make u work hard to pay for her giant underwear. Therefore be a man. Do the right thing. Allow yourself to be dragged around ladies store. Women, they all love a lier. So compliment on everything she takes looks beautiful on her. Just so you can fuck off to the comic store to get the latest series of Naruto which you have chosen over a Gospel on 100 ways to please your women. [ When in fact theres only one way to achieve that. & that is to earn more then she can spend ]

Regrettably I’ve learned things the hard way after shopping that day.

At Takkashimaya. Ironically, we were shopping at a store called, ‘Everyone is beautiful’.

She picked up this really mint looking skirt & asked for my opinion as she does heed JEnsThEory. Not to buy compliments from someone who earns from commissions, thus snubbing the sales personals opinion. But its price tag means I would not be able to go for drinks with my mates later that night. & I had to pay for that Fucking skirt coz the night before I made her use her younger sister’s CHIJ school uniform for Fuck.

Goddammit.. I’ve never been so perplex since the time when my ex-girlfriend fingered my bum during an intercourse.

Haizz.. This was what happened

Her: Does this make my bum look big?

Me: No, your fat arse makes your bum look big.

Her: Stony silence.

Me on sofa & wank-a-thon for the foreseeable future.

Past 1week.. [ Once, left my love stains on her panty which she was gona wear for work ]

Past 2weeks.. [ Twice, left my frus-wank-tration cum on her tissue box, which she uses for face wipes ]

Past 3weeks.. [ When through her secret stash while she was away at work, found her 2nd hand circumcised dildo & gave it away to my 19 year old virgin girlfriend as a birthday present ] Killing two pussies with one prick.

Into the 4th week.. & Feeling like my virginity is on the brink on growing back.. I had decided to end it all in a fashionable way.

& Wasn’t too long before a favorable chance presented it’s self.

One fateful day.. Past 2am..

She came back home from her ladies night. Awfully drunk & decided to come around & give my Milk Cup a good spit polish.

I took my chance.. I did unspeakable things to her that would even shock Jesus Christ himself.

I shot my baby gravy all over her tits. Called her fat & walked away.

Since then I’ve made up my mind to not to make such appalling mistakes again.

& I’ve give a lot of food for thought to do without such grave mistakes.

We men dread the question ‘ Am I Fat’ ?

Hence I’ve come up with wicked way ways of subtle shame.

• Stare at thin women

• Make the meals & give her tiny portions. Sour grapes must definitely be on her menu

• Abuse fat women that you see on TV

• Get her slimming pills but make sure you tell her that you got it at your company’s X’Mas luck draw.

• Fuck her into shape.

[ That way you get your oats & she gets exercise ]

• Buy her clothing a size too small. Subtle shame is a powerful ally

[ Fabricate & embellish a story where the plot is, how, once she was sleep walking into the kitchen, stealing & hiding food in her bra [ & share this embarrassing story with her mates at parties ]

If you are sick & tired by recycled old ideas [ God forbid you can also ruin it all by advocating JEnsThEory to her ]

On one such morning glory, your bitch may wake up & totally feel like another girl. You can thank me later ;p