Sex Is Like Football

Technically I was only a teenage virgin for 351 days. I went from porn to Fucking in eleven months when I was 13, I wish I had waited a bit more. It’s sad that I know, but I lost my Cherry exactly two weeks before my 14th on a sofa to my mates 15year old sister [ Their parents were away, she was going through her slag stage & I stayed over after they’d had a party – Opportunity knocked ]… I had been wanking myself silly for a year, but I don’t think sex really lived up to my expectations until I got with my first proper girlfriend [ It was more awkward & concerns about shooting too soon with the few random that I shagged before her ]. That was when the fun began! She got on the pill & let me try all sorts all over the place.

Sex is like football. The more you play the better it gets & if you don’t shoot you don’t score.

What’s The Story, Morning Glory ? [ Part 2 ]

A story, my Ex, tells to her mates.

Once upon a time..

My GF’s baby brother was awfully sick & had to be admitted in a local hospital [ TTSH ] for further treatment & stuff. With her parents & her sister with care for their little baby brother.

Which just left us alone, in her crib.

& It goes without saying. It got me trying very hard to bed her. Which I failed even after countless attempts. Haiz.. I gave up reluctantly & went to bed. [ That too goes without saying, I guess ]

Woke up horny as usual, missus didn’t as usual, so had a sly tug in the shower. Forgot until the moment of release that her mom bought a new bath mat thingy for her little brother the day before.

Finished up & looked down to see I’d just given Winnie the Pooh a facial.

What a mess I made..!!

I should have seen it coming, when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Your Pics Are Porning About In Some Wank-Bank-Folder On An External Hard Drive Somewhere.

When I was about 19, I used to talk to this girl on MSN & she regularly used to get her tits out for me. Ofcourse, I screenshotted the whole thing over the course of a few months. Over time she stopped coming on & I kind of forgot about her.

I have since changed addresses but still use that old address for signing up to websites for junk mail & the like. Anyway, I went onto MSN one time to check the e-mails & then she came online. I said hi & she pretended she didn’t remember who I was & had never got her boobs out for anyone.

Hence I sent her some screenshots & she was like ‘WHAT THE FUCK..!!’

& begged me to delete them as apparently she is trying to be a model & those pictures would ruin her career.

I have shed loads still…all blackmail material…cracks me up how I sign onto MSN & these girls from my past flash up saying how they’re married, have kids now, am a successful business woman now…..I don’t have the heart to tell them that I have videos of them that will ruin their lives..

Psstt.. Those pictures kicking about somewhere. I’ve changed over computers since, so they’re porning about in some Wank-Bank-Folder on an external hard drive somewhere. Also she’s 16 in the pictures so I don’t think I could post them on here anyway. [ That’s a pity ]

1 Year of Blogging, After a 1000 Views..!! JEns Theory !!

1 year of blogging..

1000 views..

To commemorate the milestone..

To the people who have told me about Choking on their cornflakes whilst reading my post about me not even being able to score in a brothel.

To the people whom I’ve made them spit coffee over their keyboard. Twice!

To the people who think if Jens doesn’t win the ‘Absolute Cunt Award’, then I don’t know who else could possibly qualify for it…

To the people to said ‘’Thanks for setting me off on an increasingly annoying train of thought & making me hate a man whom I’ve never met &, indeed, may not even exist at all.

& To the people who find my post puerile, ideas infantile & it’s not usually worth a mouse click for his petty jibes are unbecoming & dreadfully inappropriate at times, yet they seem addicted to Jens Theory like a wife who returns to her abusive husband for another slap..

Aww~ It makes me feel obliged to post.. Yet again. [ So please turn to your other cheek for another slap ]

If you do have an indignant knee-jerk reaction to Jens Theory & if your going to take offence to that then your going to end up being that annoying old duffer in front of you in the queue at the bank. You know the one, they’ll whine & whine about how there aren’t enough cashiers on &, when they finally do get to the counter, they’ll moan about it to the cashier for 10 minutes & keep every bleeder else waiting.

To a journalist, you see, a good story is like a baby. You raise it, you care for it, you dress it in all the right clothes &, occasionally, you get a serious lecture about the trouble it’s caused. And maybe end up in court.
It’s like fast food. It’s quick & easy & gives you a boost but ultimately leaves you feeling a bit empty &, just when you think it’s settled, it comes back & makes you puke..

Inane Post : Check

My Love/Lust Stories : Check

Football Abuse : Check

Confessions : Check

Surrealism : Check

Porn Reference : Check

Racism : Check

P.S. Jens Theory may be an irritant.

However, it’s an itch we all love to scratch.

On this note, I would like to make a promise that my posts will always stay true to its roots.

My humblest thanks for indulging my hangover-induced rants.

Thank Qoo..

If all women in the world died tomorrow ???

If all women in the world died tomorrow ???

A] Just wanking – Pretty much the same routine as now!

B] I would investigate opportunities arising out of Tran sexuality

C] Probably Sex doll. The life like ones.

D] Move to Thailand, & try not to look too closely

E] Necrophilia is the only ‘sane’ option.

F] I think huge amounts of money would be put into creating a truly realistic virtual reality sex simulator.

All the big electronic companies would have a version out.

I for one would be getting the Nintendo-ooOH & might splash out on a XXX Box if I’m feeling crazy..!!

Or.. Eh’ Where’s the kill myself option ?

I like old school fashion, music & my old school stories..

I like old school fashion, music & my old school stories

Years ago a mate & me were in art class or something & sat on a table with this right rotter. Obnoxious cow as well, pompous, thought she was it, couldn’t stand her.

Anyway she left the class to go fetch something leaving her bag there with her phone in sight. So we decided to change her boyfriends number to one of ours, & send a load of text messages saying ‘look, its over, never liked you anyway, think your an ugly cow, seeing a load of birds on the side, your face looks like a bomb hit, I was only ever going out with you for sympathy & to wear you out in bed etc.

Cue : her reading them & running out of class in floods of tears. The whole lesson stopped as everyone was consoling her, including the teacher.

Anyway, what we didn’t plan for was her ringing her boyfriend’s number to get an explanation. Cue : my phone chirping away & us going bright red! Never had a greater tirade of abuse directed at me in all my life. I can look back at it & laugh now, but it’s the most embarrassed I’ve ever been.

She still hates me till this very day..

& Ouh~ There was this bird who was absolutely stunning in school uniform, [ But then again so would most girls ] whom I had a major crush on.. but there was nothing that I could do about it as she was attached. One fine day her boyfriend gave her a buzz & I answered & threw a little spice into the pot by claiming to be her boyfriend as well. Well he did not buy the lies that I was selling him. Hence he hung up on me to call again hoping that it would be her picking up the phone. Well, It was me again.. But this time I went saying :”Hello, Lesbian help line, how can I help you?” He hung up to call again.. This time me saying “Hi. Thanks for calling the STD advice line. Please describe your symptoms” & he hung up. He did not call her for a week.. when he did, the bird got to find about what I did & she called me a bustard..

She still hates me till this very day

P.S. There were two identical twins that went to my school & I told one loudly that she must have been gutted to have such an ugly sister.

They still hate me till this very day..

Ooooo.. wait.!! just remembered a girl, Jemma, at my school’s Sec 3 camp. She was offering blowjobs to all & sundry..

I declined but saw her later with Jizz in her hair..

She was known as Jizza from then on..

Pstt..~ I miss school. Can’t believe I’m saying this..

How Many Points Do You Get For A Moral Victory ?

My mate thinks he’s really good at chess [ He probably is ] so he keeps challenging me to online games & can’t believe that I keep beating him. [ I’m shit ]

He always moves first so I’m just putting his move into another game against a chess computer then using the computer’s move against him.

I win..!! [ You don’t score points for a ‘moral victory’, do you ? ]